What does people pleasing have to do with drinking too much?

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Are you are people pleaser? Do you try to control outcomes? Do you push your feelings down by drinking, scrolling, eating, trying to keep the peace? If so, read on

Are you are people pleaser? Do you avoid awkward silences AT ALL COSTS? Do you try to control outcomes? Do you push your feelings down by drinking, scrolling, eating, trying to keep the peace? If so, read on

Sometimes it can be emotional eating, sugar, alcohol, scrolling, people pleasing, binging TV shows one after another for hours, defecting and changing the subject, avoiding awkward silences AT ALL COSTS. Do you notice that you have a particular behaviour or several that you do to distract yourself? Well, if you find yourself consistently reaching for it to self-soothe or distract / hide your discomfort, then it’s a behaviour to be concerned about because it’s likely keeping you stuck in an unhealthy holding pattern.

Why do we do this? It’s usually fear; fear of experiencing our emotions head on, usually manifesting as anxiety. We drink because we are fearful of our anxiety that our uncomfortable emotions produce. We usually do not know why we are doing this. We just want to escape or not prolong this uncomfortable feeling any longer. We are scared of the consequences; of where these feelings might lead were we to stay in this place any longer. We have an overwhelming need to abort NOW! Awareness of our propensity to do this often occurs when we cease relying on our distractions to cope.

It can take some time to work out what the fear is about, but it often includes, fear of being abandoned, fear of being emotionally or physically unsafe, not fitting in, being shamed, not enough, being neglected. I drank a lot at parties to hide from the fear of being all of these things. These fears would manifest with a shot of adrenaline and feelings of anxiety, which I would soothe with alcohol. But those feelings carried on even when I was alone, which I would self soothe with alcohol, scrolling, binging TV, people pleasing, deflecting, presenting things perfectly so no one would think less of me. I spent some time doing “the work” around these core beliefs to let go of some distracting behaviours that fuelled drinking to move forward.

If it’s people pleasing for you, it works like this: you spend a lot of energy and effort doing and saying things that will keep everyone pleased (with you and their environment). Why? Because you feel anxious about something. What? It can take a bit of work to discover, but do you fear the consequences of instability in your house? Do you fear being thought less than? Do you feel being abandoned or not fitting in or not included or being bullied or that you are not enough? It can take time to find out. People pleasing stops you from addressing these core beliefs you hold that you self soothe with frequently with your distraction of choice. It fuels resentment and negativity. It keeps you stuck.

These distractions are only a temporary balm. Even then, over time they will work less effectively for you and you will feel greater and greater content as time goes on. These distractions will never resolve what is happening on the inside. They can only soothe us for so long until they are accompanied by noticeable negative consequences, like addiction, relationship issues, health issues, isolation, depression, sadness or anxiety. Plus we never get the chance to grow and embrace our one beautiful life wholeheartedly. It is usually the appearance of these negative consequences that drive us to make some changes. In fact, it is usually when other people start noticing these negative behaviours that we then start taking steps to make some changes.

We need to address our emotions and core beliefs to move forward. How? We need to pause, get curious about our distracting behaviours and do “the work”, whether it’s in the form of support from a therapist, an instructive book, a focussed retreat, course or podcast, even a wise good friend. It necessitates a mixture of awareness, compassion, and bravery, and it takes time, but it’s worth it.

Even now, I still notice things that I do to distract myself, like diving into work head on, friendship ruminations, and trying to control outcomes – often family interactions – so as to try to make people happy, be heard, and smile. I deal with them differently now. I acknowledge them, let go of the need to control outcomes, and breathe.

When you understand what you are fearful of, you actually become less fearful of it when it presents. It is usually not as scary as you think. It’s often not true. You can become equipped at handling it in a healthy way, until, over time, the fear subsides. It’s an empowering moment that has positive ramifications in many areas of your life.

Some tips when you notice a craving or an uncomfortable feeling that you are trying to escape from:

  • Acknowledge it and affirm that this fear is valid but it is unlikely to be true
  • Ask, what can I learn from this?
  • Ask, what am I afraid of right now?
  • Where did this fear originate?
  • Is this fear true? Is it 100% true? Is there another perspective?
  • What do I really need right now?
  • Who could I be / how could I feel without holding onto this fear?
  • Breathe. I can sit with this

If sitting with these feelings are too overwhelming, then pause. Consider reaching out for professional therapeutic work for assistance.

⁠(These questions are inspired by Byron Katie)

Building emotional resilience takes time, but it leads to deeper self-awareness and long-term emotional stability and less drinking.

Looking for extra support?

Building emotional resilience is a large focus of my next challenge starting 1 November. If you are looking for some extra support, then come and join us. Last chance over the next few days to be included. (After that, I’ll stop mentioning it! But it will be a great challenge – I promise.)

Rather than go it alone, you’ll receive daily support, exposure to some fabulous guest speakers and the force of a like-minded community behind you!

Click this link to learn more and join us.

Warm wishes