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Managing Difficult People: Practical Strategies with Dr. Rebecca Ray

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My most recent episode of De-Stress for Success is all about difficult people. You know the ones! Those people in your life that press your buttons, make you feel like you are the problem, that leave you ruminating over what was said and wondering why you feel so awful. Who better to help us learn how to deal with difficult people, that the author of Difficult People, clinical psychologist, Dr Rebecca Ray.

Dr. Ray has spent years helping individuals navigate the challenges of interacting with difficult people, including family members and colleagues. Through her insightful exploration of these subjects, she provides our listeners with valuable strategies to manage stress and difficult personalities effectively.

Dealing with difficult people is a significant source of stress. These individuals often have a knack for pushing our buttons and making us feel like we are the problem. But, as Dr. Ray points out, it’s crucial to distinguish genuinely difficult people from those simply going through a rough patch. Many challenging personalities are products of their pasts, and understanding this can foster empathy. However, this should not compromise our psychological safety.

One of the central themes of our discussion with Dr. Ray was the concept of compassion, particularly when dealing with difficult people. Compassion, she suggests, can transform our interactions with difficult individuals, helping us approach them from a place of understanding rather than frustration or anger.

However, compassion does not mean allowing difficult people to walk over us. Dr. Ray stresses the importance of setting boundaries and ensuring our psychological safety. If we fail to set boundaries, we inadvertently enable difficult behavior, feeding into the cycle of stress and conflict.

Dr. Ray also shares her personal strategies for managing stress. Her approach is rooted in self-kindness and compassion, a philosophy that can be transformative for those accustomed to harsh self-criticism. She offers practical scripts to navigate tricky conversations and handle difficult people, tools that can empower listeners to manage their stress more effectively.

In conclusion, managing stress and difficult people is a complex process requiring self-awareness, compassion, and firm boundaries. By understanding the nuances of stress and the motivations of difficult people, we can approach these challenges with greater confidence and effectiveness. Dr. Rebecca Ray’s insights and strategies offer a roadmap to more compassionate stress management and healthier interactions with difficult people.

The great news?! Dr Ray’s book, Difficult People, includes over 100 scripts to help you navigate tricky conversations and create effective boundaries with difficult people. Tune in for an engaging conversation that leaves you armed to manage difficult people effectively and compassionately and lessen the ensuing stress that these conversations usually create.

To learn more about Dr Rebecca Ray, visit https://rebeccaray.com.au
Rebecca’s instagram handle is: https://www.instagram.com/drrebeccaray/

Dr Ray is the author of 6 fabulous books, including Difficult People, all of which can be found in good bookstores, in print on the Kindle and audio formats. Highly recommended!

Honouring your inner rebel!

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Why taking a break from alcohol needs to be an autonomous decision based on self-compassion

Taking a break from alcohol is so much easier if it is your own free choice to do so and it comes from a place of self-compassion not deprivation.  Here is why!

We need autonomy (meet your inner rebel!)

Rules about what we can and cannot do particularly around something like alcohol use which is so culturally ingrained with virtually everything we do interferes with our autonomy and independence and triggers our inner rebel.

Put simply, we do not like being told what to do! As an autonomous individual you want to make your own choices.  So if you initiate your break from alcohol because somebody else has told you to stop drinking or you have set yourself this rule, you are setting yourself up for a difficult ride.

Being rebellious and needing autonomy comes from a healthy and strong part of you that needs to weigh up the pros and cons and make decisions that are rational and considered.  Autonomous decision-making is not made in reaction to other people or in an effort to please them but is made because you consider it is right for you.  These decisions make you feel good!

Have a think about moments when you acted rebelliously as a child.  What did you do in these moments? What were the consequences? How did you feel after rebelling?  Did the consequences outweigh the benefits? Reflect on the role that rebellion may have played in your drinking behaviours to date.

I know that for me, as soon as a rule is set that restricts me from doing something I immediately feel like rebelling!  I want it!

However if I approach it from the angle that it is my free choice not to drink and that this comes from a place that puts my health and self-respect above a few hours of fun I feel an immediate internal shift that makes it all so much easier.  I have honoured my inner-rebel.

Free choice diminishes alcohol’s ‘allure’

Being denied something you really want by someone else or by yourself creates an increased desire for that thing that you cannot have.  That thing becomes the “forbidden fruit” that is elevated to something alluring and special.  You then think about it all of the time.

Your imagination starts creating stories that if you have that thing, you will feel amazing, happier, relaxed or numb the uncomfortable feeling you are experiencing.

I know that if I tell myself I cannot have the chocolate in the cupboard at all costs as a strict rule I will think about it all day and night. On the other hand, if I tell myself I can have it if I want, but I know I will likely want more afterwards and I am probably in need of a walk and lunch, that allure will fade and I will feel better in the long run.

Likewise, I know that my choice to go alcohol-free works because I no longer believe alcohol serves me or gives me anything but stress and fatigue and because it is my choice to be hangover free the next morning and feel better in the long run.  I tell myself I can drink anytime but I choose not to right now.  It can sit in the fridge and I do not give it a second thought.

Deprivation and ‘last supper’ consumption

If you are starting a health kick that involves a break from alcohol or moderation, then “last supper” behaviour can kick in.  Can you relate to this feeling? You might think “I’ll be alcohol free starting Monday so I may as well go all out tonight and have fun for this limited period?”.  You may have felt this in respect of food and diets as well.

Forthcoming deprivation triggers your instinctual desire to reach for the thing you are telling yourself you will not soon be allowed to have.  Often last supper consumption makes people consume the restricted thing in much larger quantities than usual which can be both dangerous for your health and shame-creating.  As soon as you create rules, then that feeling of deprivation (anger, sadness, frustration) starts to creep in triggering a rush to drink. This behaviour also tells yourself that you cannot be trusted leaving you feeling depleted of empowerment and strength that you make healthy decisions. We need empowerment and trust to succeed!

Again, when starting a break from alcohol tell yourself this comes from your own free choice.  Go further even and tell yourself that you cannot wait to feel energised, look and feel better and remind yourself that you know the science and alcohol’s 20 minute ‘pleasure’ it is just not worth it.

Summary

When kick-starting your break from alcohol or if you are struggling with urges and cravings remind yourself that this decision is an autonomous decision made from your own free will.

Acknowledge you are the expert when it comes to making decisions in respect of your life and that you are in the driver’s seat.  Remind yourself that you have determined to break-up with alcohol after weighing up the pros and cons of alcohol use, learning the science behind what it does to your brain and body and you have decided that it no longer serves you.  This is your choice.

Try thinking: “I can drink if I want to but that glass will give me 20 minutes of relief, followed by hours of restlessness and fatigue and based on prior experience I will consume much much more than I initially set out to do.  I choose not to go there.”

In making this acknowledgment you give a nod to your inner rebel!

This simple but crucial mind-shift helps diminishes the allure of alcohol and sets us up to feel that this decision is derived from a place of self-love, compassion and preservation and  not deprivation!

Last word

For support on how you can change your relationship with alcohol, email me at [email protected] or schedule a breakthrough call on my web to discuss how we can make this mind-shift together.