Labelling drinking or not drinking as “good” or “bad” can set yourself up for a stressful ride and perhaps failure

/in /by

 Drinking is not good or bad. It just is.

When trying not to drink or to drink less, it’s easy to fall into the trap of labelling not drinking “being good” and drinking occasions as “being bad.” However labelling drinking as “good” or “bad” can set yourself up for a stressful ride and perhaps failure.

Here is why.

The All-or-Nothing Mentality: Guilt, shame, demotivation and deprivation!

Labelling drinking as “good” or “bad” tends to foster an all-or-nothing mentality.

When we perceive a drinking occasion as “bad,” a single slip-up can trigger feelings of failure. This mindset discourages resilience and makes it challenging to bounce back from setbacks, hindering long-term success from reflecting on what happened constructively.

Likewise, when we perceive our non-drinking phase as “good”, we can feel under pressure to perform, be “perfect” and keep up the hard work, attracting feelings of deprivation. What can also happen is that when your goal is achieved (ie 2 “good days” in a row, 100 days or FebFast), you can feel a sudden urge to relax, cave in and reward yourself with a few.

Rather than viewing your alcohol-free goals as something that has a start date and end date or an event that is to be “won” or “lost”, view it as something that can either lead you to feel more energetic and healthier or fatigued and unwell. Can you think of it as the new normal that you strive for with no “win” or “lose” values attached to it?

Rigidity and Unrealistic Standards is exhausting!

Labelling yourself good or bad if you drink or not can contribute to the establishment of rigid and unrealistic standards. This rigidity makes it difficult to maintain a balanced and sustainable approach to your health goals around alcohol.

It’s exhausting to be perfect all the time! Anxiety and stress becomes proportionate to whether you are meeting your self-imposed standards and may overshadow the positive aspects of adopting healthier habits. The pressure to adhere to these standards may lead to burnout or abandonment of the pursuit of a not drinking, leading to a big drinking session.

Attaching moral judgements to our drinking choices can be counterproductive. 

The fact is you are a good person now. You are a good person if you drink. You are a good person if you do not. Attaching your self-worth to an external substance is mis-directed and it gives alcohol way too much power in determining your happiness and stress levels. We are much more than a person who drinks or doesn’t drink. We are humans doing the best we can striving to live in accordance with our values.

So, let’s break free from this good / bad, success / failure paradigm.

Reframe

Instead:

  • Acknowledge. Recognise when you notice yourself labelling your not drinking days as “being good” and any data points as “being bad”.
  • Feeling-based goal. Go-back to your feeling-based goal around alcohol. My goal each day is to feel “calm”, “energetic”, “self-confident” as opposed to “my goal is to not drink for February”. You know what yours is!
  • Know this. Your desire to drink is powered by your subconscious mind and all of the beliefs that it has gathered over the course of your life in your internal and external environment around alcohol that has told you that this external substance will enhance you.This is not true. These beliefs are not your fault. Your beliefs around alcohol do not determine if you are a good or bad person. You are human and are doing your best.
  • Reframe. Instead, go with compassion and get curious about your limiting beliefs and all of your personal internal stories that you have been exposed to that is fuelling your desire. Put them on trial and turn them around using the ACT technique.
  • New mantra. Try saying. “My goal is to feel stronger, healthier, happier and I know that I feel better when I am not drinking. I know I feel better waking up without a hangover. This is based on evidence. I am a good person. I will always be a good person. Drinking or not drinking is not a reflection of whether I am good or bad. It just is.“

Does this resonate with you?

Book in for a confidential free no obligation chat if you would like to talk about your drinking or not drinking goals: Book here.

Kind regards

Isabella

Why Knowing Your Core Values is Key to Curating A Successful Life

/in /by

It’s easy to lose sight of what’s truly important to us. In my latest podcast episode of De-Stress for Success, I discuss how our personal values have a profound impact on our journey towards a fulfilling life.

We all stand at a crossroad in life at some point, questioning the essentials that shape our existence and future. In these moments, understanding and aligning with our core values can be the lighthouse guiding us through uncertainty. The earliest values we adopt often serve as benchmarks for our satisfaction, and it’s crucial to recognise that daily actions in sync with these values can significantly reduce stress and inject meaning into every facet of life.

My discussion centres on the tools necessary for living a life that’s harmonious with what matters most to us, ensuring that each day echoes our innermost beliefs and vision of success. This is not just about self-discovery but also about applying this newfound understanding to make decisions that resonate with our values, releasing us from undue stress and moving us towards purpose and meaning.

Values are often innate, tracing back to our childhood inclinations and the fundamental traits that define us. However, they can shift as we navigate through different life stages. What might have once been valued—money, status, possessions—can later be eclipsed by the pursuit of family time, work-life balance, health, or creativity.

Defining your values begins with reflection on your life’s proudest and most fulfilling moments. By analysing these experiences, we can discern the common threads that define what we hold dear. The exercise extends beyond mere identification; it requires us to deeply consider which values resonate with us, giving us a sense of purpose and pride.

Think of experiences have made you feel truly alive, empowered, full of excitement and like ‘everything feels just right’. What were you doing in these moments? Who were you with? What were you thinking? How did you do it? You may have several examples, but you only need 2 or more to undertake this exercise.

Some examples that I know of that have been sourced from conversations I have had with others include:

  • Travelling to Nepal,
  • Breaking up with my partner just before the wedding,
  • Volunteering for Lifeline,
  • Volunteering for a youth mentoring organisation,
  • Standing up for a friend, studying overseas,
  • Undertaking a painting course,
  • Studying for my Masters on Environmental Law
  • Giving up Alcohol

What are the common themes in the examples that you came up with? Resilience? Creativity? Justice? Empathy? Creativity? Honesty? Friendship? Collaboration.

From these pool of values, choose the 3 top values that you feel truly resonate with you, feel right and excite you. Would your closest friends agree? Would you feel like these vales could guide you through tough decisions.

As we continue on this podcast series, I’ll emphasise the importance of curating a life that aligns with our definition of success. Identifying our values is foundational to this process, serving as a blueprint for crafting a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. When we understand our values, they become a powerful tool in decision-making, helping us choose paths that lead to a less stressful, more rewarding existence.

I encourage you to engage with this episode actively, to reflect on your core values, and consider how these principles can guide you in daily life.

It’s a starting point for positive change, for making informed choices that align with who you are and who you aspire to be.

As we gear up for 2024, let this episode be your catalyst for embracing a value-driven life—one that answers the questions of passion, purpose, and personal success. Remember, understanding your values is just the beginning. The real transformation happens when you align your life with them, creating a harmonious and satisfying journey.

Join me as I uncover the role of values in defining success and how living true to these values can be the essence of a life well-lived. It’s time to bring your personal values to the forefront and set the course for a stress-free and meaningful path forward.

Listen to this episode here or on your favourite podcast platform.

Secret Drinking Red Flag Alert: Sneaking a Cheeky Pour to Drinking Home Alone

/in /by

In our latest Not Drinking Today Podcast episode, we tackle the topic of hidden or secret drinking.

It’s underground. It’s shameful. It’s dangerous and it is happening in households all around us. Many hiding their drinking look great on the outside (for a while, for years even) and many do not know why they are doing it. They want out, but it’s a really hard behaviour to fess up to. It’s very personal, runs deep and very confusing.

In this episode, I chat about the reasons behind this behaviour and its potential consequences. From using alcohol as a coping mechanism to feeling misunderstood, we uncover the triggers that contribute to hidden drinking at home.
Secret drinking… can be as ‘small’ as:

👉 Sneaking an extra cheeky glass without your partner knowing

👉 Drinking a glass or 2 before a party and denying it

👉 Hiding your glass (in the pantry? Behind the toaster?)

and it can turn into:

👉 Hiding a bottle (under the sink? in a drawer?)

👉 Hiding empties (and waiting until bin day)

👉 Drinking in a coffee cup to hide the alcohol

👉 Drinking home alone and denying it

Then grow into something quite serious, like

👉 Drinking in the morning when your partner and kids leave

The list goes on.

Hiding things, being dishonest about your drinking, no matter how small at first, can lead to feelings of emptiness (as no one truly knows who you are and what you are doing – even yourself) which contributes to the cycle.

Secret drinking often starts with sneaking an extra glass here, having a few drinks before social gatherings there. However, it can easily and quickly spiral into a full-blown hidden drinking habit that leaves you unrecognisable even to yourself. The way out can be fraught with challenges, but you are not alone! There is hope!

Hidden drinking often stems from a complex web of emotional needs, silent protests, and coping mechanisms. For some, it’s an expression of autonomy, a misguided adventure into the illusion of freedom. For others, it’s a reaction to feeling misunderstood or overwhelmed by societal and personal pressures. These motivations are often compounded by the dangerous cycle of secrecy, which can erode one’s sense of self-worth and perpetuate further drinking.

Through the podcast, I share my personal experience with this but also provide professional advice on how to recognise and address these hidden drinking behaviours. I really want to emphasise the importance of seeking help when physical addiction becomes a concern, and how vital it is to view the secrecy surrounding one’s drinking as a red flag signalling the need for change.

One of the more powerful aspects is addressing this type of drinking behaviour is radical honesty. This transformative approach involves being candid about all aspects of life, not just alcohol consumption. Radical honesty can foster awareness, create intimate human connections, and lead to a truthful autobiography that holds one accountable (see Dr Anna Lembke’s book Dopamine Nation). By embracing this level of openness, individuals can step out of survival mode and into a life of authenticity.

The episode also touches upon the societal disconnect between public personas and private struggles. Many who secretly drink may maintain a façade of perfection or success, while internally battling with their relationship with alcohol. My personal journey highlights the importance of aligning one’s life with true values and desires, a step that can lead to a more fulfilling existence.

If you have a story to share on this topic, please let me know! It creates hope for others. It invites those who might be silently struggling to step forward and begin their own journeys towards sobriety and self-expression.

Recognising the need for change and the desire for a life that resonates with one’s true self can be an exciting realisation. It’s a journey that can be taken independently or with support, but it always begins with the first step of acknowledging the issue.

For those seeking to understand the silent struggle of hidden drinking, this episode serves as a beacon of hope. Hopefully my openness and honesty can provide one person with a pathway to follow, shedding light on a subject that too often remains in the shadows. My message is clear: living authentically and in alignment with one’s values is not only possible but also deeply liberating.

Link to this episode is here

Being Magnificent in Midlife With Emma Gilmore

/in /by

On my latest episode of the De-Stress for Success Podcast, I talk to Emma Gilmour of Hope Rising Coaching about the stresses that we face in midlife and how to tap into our magnificence.

Navigating midlife can often feel like a tumultuous journey, one where the burden of perfectionism and societal expectations weighs heavily on the shoulders of many women. It is within this context that Emma shares her transformative story on the podcast, offering hope and a path forward for those seeking solace in sobriety and self-care.

Emma’s tale is not an uncommon one. As we age, our bodies and minds often demand a shift in how we approach stress and self-care. What once worked in our youth — the adrenaline-fueled activities, the constant push for achievement — no longer serves us in midlife. Emma speaks candidly about this transition, explaining how her engagement in high-intensity workouts and corporate life gave way to gentler practices. Walking, swimming, and dance therapy became her new sources of rejuvenation, each offering unique benefits to both her physical and emotional well-being.

Perhaps the most compelling aspect of Emma’s journey is her candid discussion around the role of alcohol in coping with the pressures of midlife. The narrative that a glass of wine serves as a deserved reward after a long day is pervasive, yet for many, it masks a silent struggle with dependency. Emma addresses this with honesty and vulnerability, shedding light on the often unspoken challenges women face in this regard. She delves into the harsh internal scorecards that many maintain, the self-imposed metrics of success that lead to overreliance on substances like alcohol.

Giving up alcohol, Emma reveals, opens the door to a new kind of freedom — a life lived with clarity and presence. Sobriety brings into focus the richness of everyday experiences, the contentment found in moments previously overshadowed by the haze of intoxication. Emma’s narrative illustrates the unexpected delights that come with a sober lifestyle, encouraging listeners to envision the possibilities that await on the other side of recovery.

We also discuss the benefits of Koya dance, a therapeutic form that facilitates a deep emotional connection and release! For women who have traditionally been taught to suppress their emotions, Koya offers a space to express and process these feelings in a physical and healthy way. It’s a form of self-care that fosters self-awareness and acceptance, crucial components in the journey towards sobriety and overall wellness.

The episode is not just a personal account but a beacon of hope for those facing similar struggles. Emma’s transformation serves as a powerful testament to the resilience that can be found in softer, more nurturing self-care practices. It’s a reminder that stepping away from the chaos and noise, and into serenity and mindfulness, can yield profound benefits in the quality of one’s life.

For those curious about the profound lifestyle shift that saying goodbye to alcohol can bring, or for anyone seeking to understand the deeper complexities of midlife stress and self-care, Emma’s story offers an inspiring perspective. It is a narrative that champions the beauty of living a life unfiltered by intoxication, a life where every moment is fully experienced and treasured.

Link to the episode here

Binge Drinking Like Your Teenage Self?

/in /by

How can you re-anchor freedom and adventure with healthier behaviours?

Meg and I had terrific downloads and emails responding to our Binge Drinking Podcast episode and I’ve being thinking about it a lot of late.

A quick recap, binge drinking is defined as drinking more than 4 standard drinks in one session and  is characterised as drinking quickly with the intention of getting drunk.

So there really exists that desire to escape, numb out, abandon yourself and your responsibilities to some extent.

Drinking for the majority of us (not all though) started with binge drinking. We tended to knock it back quickly within limited time-frames without parents knowing. There was a hint of secrecy about it and it often came with a rebellious and adventurous feeling that embedded us within our tribe, and appealed to our need to spread our wings and operate autonomously from our parents and society.

In counselling speak: our feelings of adventure and freedom were anchored / attached with binge drinking behaviours.

It’s no secret that binge drinking is embedded within the fabric of Australian society. The cultural incentives, like pub promotions and discount nights, are designed to lure in the young and impressionable, further entrenching dangerous drinking patterns.

As we get a little older and our kids become more independent, many of us long to tap into something more adventurous and fun to escape the routine and drudgery of life.

So is it any wonder, our instincts are to go back in time to when we last felt adventurous and carefree, when possibilities felt limitless (or to go back the the behaviour where those feelings are anchored?). If alcohol was always involved in these formative moments, then it’s no wonder that we use alcohol now to try to tap back into that wild side.

I certainly found myself drinking like a teenager with my mum’s groups at long lunches, trivia nights and school fundraisers. It was honestly like being back in my wild crazy years on the dance floor and smoking the cigarettes. Ouch…

In hindsight, I was craving freedom, adventure, validation and laughter. Not to get too deep here … but my inner child needed a bit of expression! It certainly didn’t need endless bottles of champagne, sleepless nights and spiralling self confidence. I needed something purposeful to do as well.

What’s more, and I say this often, there is nothing more rebellious in my books than not drinking!

So if any of this resonates, just a query – in what other ways could you source adventure in your life that allows you to honour the autonomy and rebellious freedom you may be seeking?

Comedy nights? Bands? Early morning swims? Singing? Dancing? I’d love to hear them!

How can you re-anchor your adventurous spirit to new healthier (yet perhaps still a little crazy) behaviours?

Yours faithfully

What is ‘secret drinking’ and why is it important to know?

/in /by

Secret drinking…

… can be as ‘small’ as:

👉 Sneaking an extra cheeky glass without your partner knowing

👉 Drinking a glass or 2 before a party and denying it

👉 Hiding your glass (in the pantry? Behind the toaster?)

and it can turn into:

👉 Hiding a bottle (under the sink? in a drawer?)

👉 Hiding our empties (and waiting until bin day)

👉 Drinking in a coffee cup to hide the alcohol

👉 Drinking home alone and denying it

Then grow into something quite serious, like

👉 Drinking in the morning when your partner and kids leave

The list goes on.

Hiding things, being dishonest about your drinking, no matter how small at first, can lead to feelings of emptiness (as no one truly knows who you are and what you are doing – even yourself). If you are hiding the amounts that you are drinking from others, it can be a way of attempting to hide it from yourself. If no one knows, then no one can give you support, offer a cautious word of advice and point you in the right direction for help. It can be incredibly lonely drinking alone.

Importantly though, the quantities and the speed at which you drink can rapidly escalate. It can become dangerous to your health and those around you (if you are looking after young kids).

So – being radically honest about when and how much you are drinking is important.

If you are noticing some sneaky habits creep into your alcohol use, then treat this as a red flag.

There is nothing to be ashamed of here (it is more common than you think) but be aware of where this can lead and reach out for additional support if you need it.

It also can be helpful to get curious and ask yourself why you are doing this? Is it for a reward? Does it make you feel connected to yourself? Does it help you do the ‘heavy lifting’ around the house? Does it help you transition from work to kids to work again? Is it an attempt to medicate depression? Are you looking for something else? Are you unfulfilled? Unmet needs? Is it an act of rebellion?

*This is a tricky message to deliver and can be quite confronting to address, but I believe this behaviour needs to be discussed more.

Do not hesitate to book into a 30 minute no obligation chat with me if you would like to discuss your drinking habits with me.